This morning the enemy suggests that I’m a lousy excuse for a strong Christian woman. He reminds me of my daily struggle to put God first in my mornings, before sleep or food. How when the soft coos of my alarm go off I hit the snooze without so much as a twinge of conscience. The enemy’s “truths” slow my spirit to a halt. And it starts all over again, a morning without time to breathe in a fresh reminder of God’s love. When I do spend time with God it’s like my body has ached for days, thirsty for only Him. I dip my head in His word and take big gulps, all the while renewing my mind in the truth and goodness that He sets up for me to receive.
Why do I struggle?! Why is it so hard in the mornings to value God?! There should be some switch on the back of my head that clicks in the morning and flashes lights in front of my eyes:
He’s worthy. He’s worth it. Go to Him.
This morning I sank into my piano bench feeling unworthy. Not worth it. Not ready to go to Him.
I picked a hymn and plucked my way through it, practicing the chords and trying to feel the rhythm in the song. As my right-brain took over I started to sing the words and ‘Come ye sinners poor and needy’ met my every petty excuse.
What if Jesus is tired of my sin? ‘Jesus ready stands to save you full of pity, love, and power’.
Shouldn’t I get my life together a bit more? Comb my hair? At least try a little harder to study His word? ‘if you tarry till you’re better, you will never come at all.’
But I can’t seem to accept myself, how could He? ‘Let not conscience make you linger, nor of fitness fondly dream; all the fitness he requireth is to feel your need of Him.’
This is the song that beautifully accompanied me as I stepped down the aisle to my groom. I remember standing outside of the chapel, hearing Christ invite me to Himself, a dark-stained sinner even on my most beautiful day. Shining joy and covered in my mother’s veil, pearls at my throat and diamonds on my hand I stood with my father and Jesus saw through to me. He sang over my wedding march an acknowledgement of my shortcomings and a declaration of His love. There was no sweeter way to walk down the aisle than to know that this day I was completely known and completely loved. It makes my heart want to sing and dance and shout the chorus:
‘I will arise and go to Jesus, he will embrace me with His arms; in the arms of my dear Savior, O there are ten thousand charms.’